Nursing my babe and the bond we create

I am sitting here with my baby girl passed out on my lap, after just waking up and having a nursing from her mommy.

To feel the warm of her body close to mine, to watch her nurse with such comfort gives me that comfort. To know she still needs and wants me in that nurturing way is something I am enjoying and regretting the day we must end this bond only for it to be replaced with a different kind of bond.

I have nursed all my babies with same love, ease and adoration. But with Theia it is different, she is still so tiny, needing and my last.

I have many in my life who think she should be weened, and at times I try and just give up and give her back what she wants most. Mommies milk! The comfort and the warmth that I offer her as she offers me.

I am soo busy with all the kids that this is the one thing she gets undivided attention with and will not take that away from her

She will be a year in January and I for see the nursing to continue past that. Not more then two but she will definetely be my longest nursed as mommy and baby try to find that right time to transfer in to a different kind of bond

To be so far from the ones you love

Friendships are so hard to begin with; always trying to find the time, the perfect balance that you can never achieve but strive for (like a marriage but so much more)

There are some that you connect with in the early years and a have life times with and others that you find in your later years.

Some are soo precious that you never let go and others you feel the need that if you don't you will always be consumed by. There are friendships that you have that you connect with on  a level that no one will understand or have the privilege to understand. You know when they are sad, confused or have something wonderful to share .

I am blessed to have that in my life there are few in my life but few is so much better then none!

Our lives have gone in circles and other times the ups and the downs. I am continuously blessed with and will always be with these friendships.

But how am I supposed to be there with all the changes that have taken place in my life. So far away. I have one whose daughter turns 16 surviving cancer, to miss the celebration of life and courage I can not be. The one day that I do not want to miss I find I am yet again.

Then there is another whose son  may have a form of Autism but yet I am too far to offer that hug to the mom that is so desperately needed during such a time.  When did life get so far that we could not enjoy the simple miles stones in life or the hugs we so desperately need or the ones we soo want to share.

Can we say insert foot into mouth?

So here we are today, just fed the three munchkins lunch and now two of them are snuggled up and watching one of their favs Scooby Doo. While Theia is crawling around, discovering her world with giggles and smiles!

Today is a good day for me. I got my presciption filled, took my pill immediately, woke up this morning and did the same thing...........ahhhh no dizziness, a breathe I could take with ease. And best of not feeling like I am about to fly off the handle. I am not saying the "pills" "work" that fast, but I am glad to say the dizziness has definitely subsided!!!

I lie in bed at night with thoughts running through my head and have these amazing titles, conversations and feed backs for blogs. I wake up and feel the same way. Then my days get busy and when I finally have the ability or time to sit down and blog it is totally different from the thoughts that flowed through my head earlier. Is this an addiction to blogging or just as they say ADD adult...lol. Or is it just a regular mom having a regular day, with not enough time or space on her hands.

Yesterday was probably the worst day I have had in ages. Yes, it could get worse then other days for me...lol

Ok so the day did not start out right with my kidlets, gosh gotta love them for them to have to put up with me and my mood swings at times. And we all thought terrible 2's were bad!!! Welcome to my head..lol

Then as the day goes on news and frustrations build and I feel like I am a volcano ready to blow. I don't think I would like to be my kids when that happens. All I can envision is them seeing this mom do the 360 head turn off of the exorcist or that zombie twitch with my hands in my hair while walking around aimlessly and freaking the kids out. Life is hard it is even harder for our kids to how to deal with our emotional crap too. But it is our sense of humour or delusions that get us through all that we have to deal with.

I laugh at myself on a daily basis, let it be a look, comment or something I have done. Take this one for instance. We are now residing in Brampton, it has a HUGE population of East Indie people (not a problem for me) but I was BORN Blonde...so hey why not act the part I guess ~ So I am walking in the gas station to buy a pack of smokes, no biggy right....well prices are different here and I like the least expensive but Menthol. So I ask the guy behind the counter, "what brands of Menthol cigarettes do you carry?" he names off about 5 kinds and the last one was called "Vogue". I proceed to scrunch up my face and say "Oh No...those taste like Indian cigarettes!"

Here it comes...the woman from behind the counter replies "no it doesn't"
 I look at her (or course she is East Indie) then I look at the guy behind the counter and start to stammer...."Um no, not that Indian, you know our Indian, um Canadian Indian...wait you are Canadian ,,,um I mean um the reserve kind ...what is the name gosh there are so many terms now a days. Um yeah OK Native American cigarettes!!! "

And then for those who know me I do that insane loud laugh....and apologise for all of the chat. The guy behind the counter smiles and says "it is OK" In his East Indie accent and yellow turban.

Can we say duhhhhhhhhhhh and that is my day, everyday in my world. I really do do things like this. John was surprised they did not call the cops. I said is it really that bad, he said yep! GEESH!!!

Depression, OMG What can I say but......

Depression is such a nasty, disgusting word, a sign of weakness, a medical condition cured by pills, light, councelling. It is one that we hide from oor hide with. We are afraid to admit to anyone that we suffer from it.

We keep our medications safely hidden and when it is found out that we are suffering from it the reaction is very wide. Anywhere from "oh hun"...(that one is fine with me) to "are you sure it is depression and not just a quick fix for pills to get through what ever issues you are dealing with the here and now". The best I was ever told was that " you do not need medication I just needed to trust in God and he will fix it." (No offense but this is someone who obviously has no idea what they are talking about when it come to depression and that it is not just a state of mind or the beliefs you hold)

To everyone who believes in that, don't you think God has enough on his or her plate right now to worry about my mental condition.

I have been suffering from it on and off for 16 years now. Postpartum is a huge part of it for me, and past issues that I still have not been able to come to terms with or as one councellor said "flush my mental toilet".

Today as I sit here writing this and  know some people will be shocked or disgusted that I am so open to it, but if you don't like it don't read it.

The last three weeks have been absolute worst for me, I am constantly trying to find that happy spot, control the bouts of anger I get on a daily basis (yes, depression is not just wanting to cry) focusing is impossible and I am sooo easily irritated. Why has it been so difficult? Well, I am to blame, we moved in a hurry I had enough of my prescription to last me to Halloween and during that weekend I was supposed to fill my prescription....I forgot! Now I am in this mad rush to have my files and prescription transferred because I am going through severe with drawl.

I cried yesterday over the stupid license bureau because I kept pressing 0 and it would say "ok, agent for you to be transferred to an agent" well after 15 minutes of dealing with this I was ready to break the phone instead I bursted in to tears.

This is a look into some who suffers depression. My kids are the ones that I try the most to keep my emotions in tack with. Because it would take nothing for me to turn into this Freaking out OMG what happened to mommy over something like "I told you to put your shoes on". Sad thing is you can say the most awful thing with being able to control it, it's like your mind and body has been taken over. And unless you have a spouse like mine or people who suffer the same. NO ONE I mean No ONE understands.

Depression does hurt!!! It hurts the ones we love and ourselves. Just think how exhausted you would be, being home 24/7 with your beautiful kids but having no sense of relief or a way out of your own mind or skin.

Today and the past week this is how I have felt.....so I right this in hope that I will feel good, go about cleaning the house, laughing with friends. And for those who are sooo quick to judge, perhaps you should reread it.....or walk away.

thanks I just needed to put this on my Blog today...love ya all even through those rough days.

What just happened

You ever notice in life sometimes with your life partner that you have chosen you wonder if it will last or it if it is worth it?

Well, I am one that has gone throughout the years that we have been together have wondered. And every time we get like Arrrgggg,  life turns it around and makes you see that you made the right choice.

I have a partner that I love and adore with all that I am. We definitely have gone through ups and downs. Sometimes more downs then up....

But here we are in this stinken apartment that has a cement floor, we can hear them upstairs and I KNOW they can here us. But I am happy, probably the happiest  I have been in years. Something about being together and finally understanding what makes us tick and what does not makes the whole world better.

I never thought I would actually find some source of happiness moving from my friends, the kids friends, the small town I have come to love and adore. ( Don't get me wrong I am sad at times for my sweet friends I miss so much) But to have John as a friend, companion, lover and  father to my kids is probably the best I have ever felt.

I am closer to him, not afraid to show that fun, silly side of me any more. I have grown so affectionate to him and my kids during this short time I have been here. (so weird but I have learned to embrace it)

I used to think while living in my small town that if I had to I could live and raise my kids alone. I was wrong!

John and I laugh together like we used to 14 years ago, we have grown affectionate together and ACTUALLY snuggle together while sitting together on the couch.

We have had so many obstacles to overcome and I feel now in my heart it was worth all the struggles. Because I can actually say I Love John Carriere with all that I am and thank him for the children we have had together and the life we have and will continue to have!!!  No Not more CHILDREN, just our love and life!

Funny how so unexpectedly life turns you that happy note with out you looking or wanting, it just happens! It was soo long over due and so happy to receive, and the best part is that I saw it, am loving it and will strive for more!

A poopy mom??

Do you ever sit back and think "god what a bad mom I have been today" or the opposite "Man! I rock as momma today!"

Today is one of those days where I sit back and say blah what a shitty mom I am.

The morning starts of well, really well! All the kids are getting along and playing so nicely. Geese Chase was even helping Autumn on to the toilet ....lol..he even helped wipe her bum. It really was such a peaceful morning.

Then I have to get Hayden to practise his spelling words for his test. It's going pretty good, but I feel I am getting frustrated with his lack of confidence to be able to just try to write the word with out looking for reassurance. I am trying everything in me to hold back my lack of patience because I know how it feels to have someone mad at you because you don't know the answer. That was my school years at home.

So I am trying to encourage him to just write a letter any letter that he thinks it may sound like ( we were working on the word DAD) he did great with the D A but what is going on with this boy that he can't figure out the last 'D' it blows my mind.

I love this boy to the moon and back and I KNOW he is smart, but is lacking confidence in his work. I tried very nicely to explain to him that no matter what just write something, anything....it makes me happy and his teacher happy to see he is TRYING! I told him it is amazing for him to try and even if he gets it wrong we are happy that he tried!

This goes on for about 10 minutes then I give up....this is where the poopy parent comes in. I give up because I am getting frustrated because I am not getting through to him and running out of patience.

Then it gets worse, we are now running abit behind and my sweet two year old daughter is trying so damn hard to zip up her sweater. I wait patiently and have asked three times just leave it sweets put your shoes on. NOPE head strong! Mean while the clock is still ticking and I am getting stressed about being late, so I yell "just put your shoes on!!!" She then starts to cry, poopy parent number two.

Then we drop off Hayden and Chase, I give lots of loves and kisses words of encouragement to Hayden about trying.

Walk home with a sense of failure once again as a mom, because all Hayden is doing is TRYING....and the same goes for Autumn.

Where in time did we stop being patient for our children when they are trying to learn. This sense of time always on us. Can't we just throw it out the window and let the kids go at their pace. Were we so rushed and pressured when we were young!!

It is only morning.....thankfully I have the whole day to get over my guilt and make it a great day for my kidlets.

Remembrance Day

What does remembrance day mean to you? Do you take the time to remember? Do you buy a poppy to support our veterans, fallen soldiers, or family members of fallen soldiers?

I find as time goes on we have become less sensitive to what November 11th means. Our country is growing in leaps and bounds with different religions, values and principles. But is there not something that we can share and honour together. One being Remembrance Day, no matter what nationality you are, what country of origin you came from ( because we were all immigrants at one time or another) it should be the one day that we could come together and celebrate the lives of those who fought for us.

I walked Hayden and Chase to school today feeling like it was just another day. Hayden was dropped off at his door then Chase at his. But for some reason today it was Hayden I wanted to watch and make sure he was OK, he struggled inside his bag searching for something so I strolled over to see what it was. It was his Lego, no big deal but even then I was not ready to leave, something was keeping me there.

All of a sudden Hayden turns to me with great big tears in his eyes and says "Mommy you forgot my poppy!" I gasp with such sadness. I proceed to tell him "Don't worry baby mommy will get you your poppy no matter what!". He then wipes his tears away and KNOWS mommy is going to come through for him. Thankfully one of the parents said they were selling them in the office, so I make my way quickly around buy two poppies and have Hayden and Chase called to the office.

As I apply both of these poppies on them I give them a kiss and say this is for "Grandpa and all of the other soldiers" they both smile and walk away.

That is where I am struck again with overwhelming  sadness for the lives we have lost from war. I remember growing up and asking my Grandfather what it was like to fight in the war, he never did quite answer me. He always found a way to change the subject. The older I got the more images I saw, the more I understood why he could not tell me about his memories. World war 2 concentration camps, the horror he had to live daily from trying to save people he did not know.

When we are young we have this facination with war, and wanting to know things and how things felt. As time goes on and we grow older our fascinations change and our ability to understand peoples sufferings with out actually knowing the details benefits us and so many others.

Remembrance Day for me is so important to me! It is to remember what we stand and fought for. It is sad to see how our world is choosing not to remember anymore, big commercial stores more concerned about who was going to be the first to get out their Christmas stuff on display instead of holding back and showing our veterans the respect they so rightfully deserve. If it were not for our Veterans would we be able to be so free today, to come and goes as we choose and make the choices in life that we do. It is because of them that we have that freedom!!

So to you Grandpa Thank you! And to all the other soldiers who have lost their lives or live in the here and now of our wars THANK YOU for putting your lives out there for the rest of us and our Country!

Why can't boys pee in the toilet!

Some time I wish that boys came with vaginas!!!

There is something with my boys peeing all over the floor, on the toilet seat, on the wall, on the rolls of toilet paper I have beside the toilet paper WHY!!!!

I deal with this all most daily...and start to scream why can't you pee in the toilet!

A small little voice comes from my boys "sorry mommy"

I never understand why it is soo hard to pull the pants down so far enough to make sure it goes in the toilet.

Something tells me I should be checking the ceiling after these incidents ............sigh

Just another day with 5....lol

Theia growing in leaps and bounds

My Theia, my last one, my little bundle of joy is growing up faster then mommy wants her to.

Her character is amazing, funny, content, graceful, petite and so much more.

For Theia it took her a while to show her character, she was always the quiet one with a tiny little smile and her big brown eyes. She loves to laugh but it was never loud and boisterous just small, like a chuckle and a giggle combined. It took nothing to put a smile on her face.

Now here she is ten months old, exploring, growing and coming into her own. She has the quirkiest little personality who will sneak up quietly to whom ever is lying on the floor and start to bounce on them or pull their hair. She loves the attention she receives from her older sister Autumn...she makes her laugh and it is so endearing.

Theia loves to pounce and crawl all over Chase who to be honest has no patience for his baby sister; especially when there is a cartoon on or after a long morning of school.

Hayden is her special one you can tell for sure, all he has to do is smile at her or let alone just walk in the room and her face lights up with love and adoration for him.

She loves to destroy Haydens' Lego, towers, forts or whatever that little man is deciding to build. He tries to be patient but ends up yelling for help or get her away. I enter the room and bring her out with me so she does not destroy his adventure and no matter what I put in front of her for distraction she crawls right back to her path of destruction.

There is something about Theia that animals like or accept from her. Freyja is constantly having her hair pulled, tail pulled, tail bitten even the ears but still chooses to lie there while Theia is enjoy the touch and the feel of her fur. The cat at times howls in pain because you can here she is being squished to death, but the dumb cat still chooses to stay. The same thing goes for my girlfriends' cat and dog, it does not matter what Theia does to them they stay and endure....mean while us as parents are always worried that one day they will retaliate.

Theias' new found love right now is the bookshelf. On a daily basis she will take every single one of them out and has such a sad little cry when one of the books dare hurt her. As she looks over right now with a sad look and a soft cry to let me know that she has been hurt, the quickly notices the cat under that chair and makes her way there.

Theia has tried new and wonderful things it is such a huge list from, cat litter, cat poop, dog poop, sand, leaves, grass, play dough was the best I never saw such blue baby poop in my life!

She has picked up two new sports one tumbling off of everything and have this heart retching cry the other is something I call Nurse Diving. Every time she is picked up and feels the need to nurse she dives her head to either side of choosing and tries continuously until mommy gives in and offers her a nursing. It really is quite the site to see. I am thinking synchronized swimming could be in her future. She is definitely flexible enough and not mention she really is getting quite good with the head diving!

She loves to say no when she is done what ever it is she is doing at the time, I am desperately trying to teach her yes....something tells me she is head set on the NO

She has the tiniest of frames with the longest set of feet you could imagine. If she were a boy life would be great for her as a teenager. Unfortunately this is not the case......

I love my baby girl, glad to see her come out of her shell.....keep growing my love!



Name your kids....have you ever

Everyday is a new adventure in my house and it always involves my children.

Let's go back to the day we decided to name our children. Hayden; I really wanted a name that was Irish to do the correct spelling of the Gaelic name hayden it would look like this Ó hÉideáin which in the Irish term refers to 'Armor' or 'Clothes'. Written the English way it means 'Valley with Hay'.

Now you can percieve this in many ways but it is a strong name....baling hay is not easy, picky, makes you itchy....but can be fun and wonderful to play in and run through. Armor...hmmmm think what you may

Then there was Chase; it's an old english name it meant 'huntsman' and and today it means CHASE

Autumn; changing seasons, beautiful vibrant colours, harvest, cold and warm at the same time.

Theia; a goddess of the mother of the sun, moon and dusk, she was a Titan.

When I was naming my children did I actually think at the time they would actually take on the characters of thier names. NO!!!!

Hayden is good today, who knows about tomorrow or even this evening for that matter. He can be picky, get under your skin, tons of fun and so forth....definetly taking on his name.

Chase; I thought or we thought it was cute and suited him well. Did we really know that we would spend our lives chasing him and trying to get him to sit still? Spoke with his JK teacher today and asked how he was making out, her response was "he is getting comfortable" I laughed. With a reply of "Oh, how comfortable" she proceeds to tell me that he is definetely of his own, he will sprawl out of the floor, when she is trying to get him to trace his name with her hand on his he will start and then start to stare at her with his goofy smile and just want to play. As I listened I was laughing to myself and with a quick reply I said "We have named our children right, we spend our days chasing after Chase!" She laughed and said "you could not be more right" ;)

Then there is Autumn; so beautiful and sweet.........and changes her moods like the colour of the leaves or the dips in temperatures we have to endure during this season. I laugh to myself constantly thinking about her. Such a princess, spit fire,...a tinkerbell full of sweetness and love, with a temper that you just have to shake your head at.

I was so careful when I choose Autumns' name thinking it was a safe name. What character could you take on with such a beautiful season? Well...ummmm I am starting to see an eye opener on my beautiful season.

Then there is Theia, WHAT WERE WE THINKING NAMING HER AFTER A GODDESS!!!! What drew me to her name was that she was a Titan, that she was the mother to the Sun, Moon and Dusk. A nurturing type.

Let's hope she does not come into play of her name ....lol

Till another day or another blog of flips and bounces of the couch....guess who that one is. Or melt downs and frusterations to hugs and kiss, or tempertantrums becasue the baby will not sit right, to night feeds and don't wipe my nose.

We are blessed with such life what is the teenage years going to bring us with such amazing characters such as ours. Keep reading I am sure that you will enjoy reading the ride as we will enjoy riding through it's ups and downs and screams of excitement!

Today is like any other day....struggle to get out of bed. Grab a cup of coffee, make the lunches, dress the kids, and all the other morning routines that follow with.

Yet today seemed to be a bit different. Perhaps it was the sunshine, or the fact that I finished painting the kitchen yesterday. There are so many things that can make your day seem a little lighter then most, it is definetely not a better night sleep because that has not and will not happen for sometime. Especially with little Theia nursing consistantly through the night.

What I think made my morning seem so much more warmer, lighter was that my boys were getting along this morning and my daughter was not doing her continuous whining. They were laughing this morning playing with their cars, Autumn playing with her kitchen and dolls, and Theia just roaming around the house so happy.

The dishes were not completely done from the night before which I can't stand because I hate clutter, there are piles of laundry that are sitting in everyones room waiting to be put away and the list goes on.

But to have a good, happy morning with my kids and getting them ready for school with little or no incident at all is what makes me glow. It makes my morning and day good as well as it does for the boys...lots of "I love you mommy" hugs and kisses and positive energy surrounding all of us.

So as I start or have started my day, I lead it with a smile, positive energy and an abundance of love for my kids!!

Don't get me wrong everyday is a good day....but it does not mean that every morning starts that way or for that matter every evening ends that way.

I strive for balance in my life for my kids and myself, it is not easy to achieve but I am proud to say this morning there was balance! I hope everyone else finds that balance today in that little smile that we get from those beautiful kids we have created and swore to do right by ;)

Consistancy; how hard it is to follow

In life we strive to be consistance in every aspect of life. Let it be with the time we spend with our kids, the activities we provide for them. The routine we strive to create for ourselves, family, friends and our children and yet I find it so hard to achieve.

The simple things such as moisturizing every time I get out of the shower to make sure I don't get that  yucky skin, putting on make up, to do my hair, to shaving, and the list goes on!

I think some times that I was not made for order...I strive for certain things in my life to make sure that I look and feel my best for myself, hubby and my friends. I am able to do it for a few days then fall back in to the pattern of if I can, I will or if find time later.

Don't get me wrong the kids are fed everyday around the same time, clothed, teeth brushed off to school. It's ME. I start to excersice and then next minute you know I am not finding time.....when did it ever get so overwhelming that the simple thing of brushing your hair becomes such a chore. And as we go through this in life we are harder on ourselves because we are failing, not anyone around us...just ourselves.

It's funny too because John is really good to me. He never complains about the unkept hair, or the hairy legs for that matter but I am sure that deep down inside he does like to see that I am well enough to take time for myself to do the things that matter to me.

And it is not just about how he percieves me, it's about me...to look in the mirror and feel "Damn you look good today girl!"

I just wonder how many of us are out there that struggle with this on a daily basis, ESPECIALLY being a stay at home mom.

Hell sometimes I feel like I could walk my kids to school in pj's and just stay that way, then this sense of guilt crawls in and there I am staring at myself in the mirror again knowing that if only I did what I KNOW I WANT to do...I would not feel so blah!!! LOL life....as a stay at home mom...lol