Depression is such a nasty, disgusting word, a sign of weakness, a medical condition cured by pills, light, councelling. It is one that we hide from oor hide with. We are afraid to admit to anyone that we suffer from it.
We keep our medications safely hidden and when it is found out that we are suffering from it the reaction is very wide. Anywhere from "oh hun"...(that one is fine with me) to "are you sure it is depression and not just a quick fix for pills to get through what ever issues you are dealing with the here and now". The best I was ever told was that " you do not need medication I just needed to trust in God and he will fix it." (No offense but this is someone who obviously has no idea what they are talking about when it come to depression and that it is not just a state of mind or the beliefs you hold)
To everyone who believes in that, don't you think God has enough on his or her plate right now to worry about my mental condition.
I have been suffering from it on and off for 16 years now. Postpartum is a huge part of it for me, and past issues that I still have not been able to come to terms with or as one councellor said "flush my mental toilet".
Today as I sit here writing this and know some people will be shocked or disgusted that I am so open to it, but if you don't like it don't read it.
The last three weeks have been absolute worst for me, I am constantly trying to find that happy spot, control the bouts of anger I get on a daily basis (yes, depression is not just wanting to cry) focusing is impossible and I am sooo easily irritated. Why has it been so difficult? Well, I am to blame, we moved in a hurry I had enough of my prescription to last me to Halloween and during that weekend I was supposed to fill my prescription....I forgot! Now I am in this mad rush to have my files and prescription transferred because I am going through severe with drawl.
I cried yesterday over the stupid license bureau because I kept pressing 0 and it would say "ok, agent for you to be transferred to an agent" well after 15 minutes of dealing with this I was ready to break the phone instead I bursted in to tears.
This is a look into some who suffers depression. My kids are the ones that I try the most to keep my emotions in tack with. Because it would take nothing for me to turn into this Freaking out OMG what happened to mommy over something like "I told you to put your shoes on". Sad thing is you can say the most awful thing with being able to control it, it's like your mind and body has been taken over. And unless you have a spouse like mine or people who suffer the same. NO ONE I mean No ONE understands.
Depression does hurt!!! It hurts the ones we love and ourselves. Just think how exhausted you would be, being home 24/7 with your beautiful kids but having no sense of relief or a way out of your own mind or skin.
Today and the past week this is how I have felt.....so I right this in hope that I will feel good, go about cleaning the house, laughing with friends. And for those who are sooo quick to judge, perhaps you should reread it.....or walk away.
thanks I just needed to put this on my Blog today...love ya all even through those rough days.
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