When you have the one and she/he hits 2 or just before 2 you always say "wow it must be the terrible two's"!
Lately I have a wonderful, dearing, spiteful, spirited, willful, dramatic 2 1/2 year old daughter that is pushing every ones buttons. I watch her through the corners of my eyes, listen with an extra ear to the battles she creates and instigates. She is beautiful and smart and I want to wring her neck sometimes as she is constantly in every ones face.
She speaks more then what the boys did at her age, acts older then the boys did at her age. And that is ok, because she has so much more to learn from, mold from and pick up things from.
So here I sit this morning count to 10 because she is just in every ones personal space, and suddenly I remember- she is only two! Going through her "terrible" two's trying to define her character, grasping her independence, being assertive and trying to find out what her limitations are. That is what being two is about! A new turning, learning stage that I have forgotten all about.
Why, you ask? Because I been pregnant, nursing or going through terrible two's since 2003. I missed a step along the way to tell me what mile stone they were at. And to miss that step is a huge thing, because half the time I think everyone is going through terrible two's.
Is there not a time when they stop the incisive whining, crying, screaming and tantrum throwing. No I am not talking about Autumn I am talking about the 4 and 6 year old. Do you see now why I have missed a step because I strongly feel that a few of my kids missed their step which was the EXIT DOOR to the terrible two's!
I really hope they find that Exit door and fast! Only for Theia to jump right into it...lol
I honestly don't know how Michelle 19 and counting can keep such a calm demeanor with that many kids. I feel ashamed as a mom sometimes as my voice seems like it is 10 times more her level, and the lack of patience I sometimes have. Ok, I will be honest, not sometimes....most of the time...lol.
Shows like this should be Banned, I tell ya Banned!!! They are almost as bad as those modeling shows that we hate our daughters watching because we feel it puts such a high expectation on them. Hmmm I think it does the same...but as mom's. Not that I LIKE KATE but go KATE!!!! Show that you are human and loose your mind and patience with all those kids swarming around you demanding that time. Oh but wait!!! That is unrealistic too because she has a FREAKING Nanny to help her on all her trips and daily chores! She even has people cleaning her house!
Cleaning my house is retarded I tell you retarded! Every room I clean I go back only to find that mess all over again...then to break out into the yell of " I just cleaned this room......pick up your mess!!!" And then to have the 1 year old following me around begging for a nursing every 15 minutes...and then shake my head as I cave, because I KNOW she will not eat her lunch once again!
My life is full, full of me, my kids, my friends and my family! I don't have all the bells and whistles and this is why I have the privilege to write this blog and crab about what I want and make light of the life I lead!
Although a million dollars would be nice right about now ;)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
My RANT: What is going on with Ontario, schools.......
OK so this is going to be my rant Blog for today. And please to those who work for the government or any school officials. This is a rant not to be a personal attack.
Here I am this morning getting ready all four kidlets for the walk to school in -26. Now yes I know to some it is not that cold. To me I enjoy the walk, I was raised in Inuvik and used to the -35 walks to school and playing outside.
But seriously since I have moved to Ontario there are sooo many flaws and selfishness that is around here that it actually worries me. So back to my point, I am walking my kidlets to schools boys all bundled up (it really was not bad for them or I) but it is the girls who have to suffer! Sitting in the stroller bundled up in blankets and snow suits. See here is one of the problems, when you buy a pair of boots for your toddler and it indicates -30. The manufacturer does not stipulate that this is for walking/active movement. When you are sitting in a stroller there is no way that your poor little tootsie can with stand -26 temperatures!
So why did I say Ontario, simple...you have teachers that go on strike about every two years because they are demanding more money. They also expect to do less. When they went into the profession they KNEW what was to be expected of them.. Now, it has just become greedy. More and more teachers are not in it for our kids of tomorrow they are in it for 50.00 an hour pay check, ready to strike again to get it to 54.00. For all of those who strike it rich, do you not think that this is having an effect on our schools.
Which ones stay open and which ones close, which programs are offered and not offered and most of all WHAT BUS services are available. I have about 8 buses that drive by my house or just around the corner and not ONE can pick up my kidlets or the other ones on this street for that matter.
So here you have Harper implement the Universal Child Tax Benefit, hey that is great for me as I was living in Quebec and was able to get a few more things for the kids with out the stress. That is because we chose that I would be a SAHM and we also had door to door bus service! But living in Ontario that is a totally different thing!! Most parents have to work it out to take time off, or work less or odd hours to accommodate picking up their preK and K kids as there is only half days here. Think of the child care providers some of them spend their day walking back and forth with all kids in tow. And god forbid if you have one that is in morning and one in the afternoon, then you are really screwed. Most people have to pay people just to bring their kids to school
One mother was looking for some one to walk their son home, which was literally 2 minutes from the school and she was quoted 35 a week! Ummmmmm just to drive the kid home........WOW!!! And Harper only gives the mom 100.00 a MONTH until he is six well that expires in a few months for this mom.
So here it is, stop going on strike! Think about the children and the families that are being affected from greed! Yes, you ARE supposed to do your job with the full intentions that you are doing the best for our children for TOMORROW!!! IF you today can not understand what impact greed has then how do we expect our kids of tomorrow to understand. Let's start going back, to small is better, green is beautiful and all the other little sayings we used to say that are now long forgotten and replaced with the bigger the better!
Here I am this morning getting ready all four kidlets for the walk to school in -26. Now yes I know to some it is not that cold. To me I enjoy the walk, I was raised in Inuvik and used to the -35 walks to school and playing outside.
But seriously since I have moved to Ontario there are sooo many flaws and selfishness that is around here that it actually worries me. So back to my point, I am walking my kidlets to schools boys all bundled up (it really was not bad for them or I) but it is the girls who have to suffer! Sitting in the stroller bundled up in blankets and snow suits. See here is one of the problems, when you buy a pair of boots for your toddler and it indicates -30. The manufacturer does not stipulate that this is for walking/active movement. When you are sitting in a stroller there is no way that your poor little tootsie can with stand -26 temperatures!
So why did I say Ontario, simple...you have teachers that go on strike about every two years because they are demanding more money. They also expect to do less. When they went into the profession they KNEW what was to be expected of them.. Now, it has just become greedy. More and more teachers are not in it for our kids of tomorrow they are in it for 50.00 an hour pay check, ready to strike again to get it to 54.00. For all of those who strike it rich, do you not think that this is having an effect on our schools.
Which ones stay open and which ones close, which programs are offered and not offered and most of all WHAT BUS services are available. I have about 8 buses that drive by my house or just around the corner and not ONE can pick up my kidlets or the other ones on this street for that matter.
So here you have Harper implement the Universal Child Tax Benefit, hey that is great for me as I was living in Quebec and was able to get a few more things for the kids with out the stress. That is because we chose that I would be a SAHM and we also had door to door bus service! But living in Ontario that is a totally different thing!! Most parents have to work it out to take time off, or work less or odd hours to accommodate picking up their preK and K kids as there is only half days here. Think of the child care providers some of them spend their day walking back and forth with all kids in tow. And god forbid if you have one that is in morning and one in the afternoon, then you are really screwed. Most people have to pay people just to bring their kids to school
One mother was looking for some one to walk their son home, which was literally 2 minutes from the school and she was quoted 35 a week! Ummmmmm just to drive the kid home........WOW!!! And Harper only gives the mom 100.00 a MONTH until he is six well that expires in a few months for this mom.
So here it is, stop going on strike! Think about the children and the families that are being affected from greed! Yes, you ARE supposed to do your job with the full intentions that you are doing the best for our children for TOMORROW!!! IF you today can not understand what impact greed has then how do we expect our kids of tomorrow to understand. Let's start going back, to small is better, green is beautiful and all the other little sayings we used to say that are now long forgotten and replaced with the bigger the better!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Happy New Year, a proper beginning!
Ok so here we are January 14th, 2011. I have not blogged since November...life got busy...lol
So here I am in a new year, I walked or slept my way into with no big hoopla, party or new years resolution ahead. I woke up that morning wished all my loved ones a happy new year and went about my day.
THAT was probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. I had a small discussion with John about the changes that I want to make..not neccessarily for the new year but just for myself. More patience for my children, be kinder to myself and show and feel more of what I feel inside.
I am back in this small little apartment with all my kids and that is ok. When I first came back I was overwhelmed because I was missing my home in CB and all the beautiful light that came through each and every window we choose for our home. But that is ok, another hump to survive.
I have taken time for ME, this is something I think I missed out since being a mom to five. IT feels good and renews what was missing inside. My light shines I have gotten back into things that interest me 1) being Reiki 2) following a path that makes me feel alive and centered (Pagan) as sense of belonging!
I know now to accept me, and I take the negative things people say and choose what I want to do with it (which more now then ever is the attitude of WHATEVER,) but in a kind way...lol. We all have things in our lives that are not accepted by all and that is ok! And actually is healthy, why? Because that is who we are INDIVIDUALS!
I have started Meditating, or at least trying to achieve the goal of it, I excersise...something that was not on my list of things to do....trust me! But I feel good, positive. PLEASE don't get me wrong I am not this oh so sunshine person, I crab get cranky, fight, yell and cry still. And if I did not do that I don't think I would be me, or I would be but a very highly medicated me...lol
My kids drive me INSANE, but that is what being a mom is about. I find the light through their eyes and laughter...I play more and act sillier then I ever have....listen more. I like the New me and the old one!! The one that has old views and understandings...the one that has found a younger happier me. I am learning to let go of all that crap that I have held on to. But if it did not happen I would not be me!
See this is about ME!!! And if I did not make something about me, how could I be me for those that are in my life, that I surround myself with and love with.
So here we are in January 2011 with a great feeling about where I am heading....at least I hope anyways. I know that I am definetely going to have those "are you kidding me this is my life" days. But if I didn't then what is the point of living? Right?
Well, that is my blog for today or at this moment at least. Chase is unzipping my pockets and trying to climb on me. Theia is walking around and needing some of her mommy. Hayden is begging Chase to play with him and Autumn is sleeping. As I take a moment to stop and lecture Hayden about bossing...lol this the activity that surrounds me right now...so I need to go make them a snack and find some source of entertainment for them as it is a PD day. And they are quite off today. I wonder if they could meditate and redirect their energy. I think not...lol as we did name Chase, Chase and he fits the name to a tee!!!!
Cheers
D
So here I am in a new year, I walked or slept my way into with no big hoopla, party or new years resolution ahead. I woke up that morning wished all my loved ones a happy new year and went about my day.
THAT was probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. I had a small discussion with John about the changes that I want to make..not neccessarily for the new year but just for myself. More patience for my children, be kinder to myself and show and feel more of what I feel inside.
I am back in this small little apartment with all my kids and that is ok. When I first came back I was overwhelmed because I was missing my home in CB and all the beautiful light that came through each and every window we choose for our home. But that is ok, another hump to survive.
I have taken time for ME, this is something I think I missed out since being a mom to five. IT feels good and renews what was missing inside. My light shines I have gotten back into things that interest me 1) being Reiki 2) following a path that makes me feel alive and centered (Pagan) as sense of belonging!
I know now to accept me, and I take the negative things people say and choose what I want to do with it (which more now then ever is the attitude of WHATEVER,) but in a kind way...lol. We all have things in our lives that are not accepted by all and that is ok! And actually is healthy, why? Because that is who we are INDIVIDUALS!
I have started Meditating, or at least trying to achieve the goal of it, I excersise...something that was not on my list of things to do....trust me! But I feel good, positive. PLEASE don't get me wrong I am not this oh so sunshine person, I crab get cranky, fight, yell and cry still. And if I did not do that I don't think I would be me, or I would be but a very highly medicated me...lol
My kids drive me INSANE, but that is what being a mom is about. I find the light through their eyes and laughter...I play more and act sillier then I ever have....listen more. I like the New me and the old one!! The one that has old views and understandings...the one that has found a younger happier me. I am learning to let go of all that crap that I have held on to. But if it did not happen I would not be me!
See this is about ME!!! And if I did not make something about me, how could I be me for those that are in my life, that I surround myself with and love with.
So here we are in January 2011 with a great feeling about where I am heading....at least I hope anyways. I know that I am definetely going to have those "are you kidding me this is my life" days. But if I didn't then what is the point of living? Right?
Well, that is my blog for today or at this moment at least. Chase is unzipping my pockets and trying to climb on me. Theia is walking around and needing some of her mommy. Hayden is begging Chase to play with him and Autumn is sleeping. As I take a moment to stop and lecture Hayden about bossing...lol this the activity that surrounds me right now...so I need to go make them a snack and find some source of entertainment for them as it is a PD day. And they are quite off today. I wonder if they could meditate and redirect their energy. I think not...lol as we did name Chase, Chase and he fits the name to a tee!!!!
Cheers
D
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Nursing my babe and the bond we create
I am sitting here with my baby girl passed out on my lap, after just waking up and having a nursing from her mommy.
To feel the warm of her body close to mine, to watch her nurse with such comfort gives me that comfort. To know she still needs and wants me in that nurturing way is something I am enjoying and regretting the day we must end this bond only for it to be replaced with a different kind of bond.
I have nursed all my babies with same love, ease and adoration. But with Theia it is different, she is still so tiny, needing and my last.
I have many in my life who think she should be weened, and at times I try and just give up and give her back what she wants most. Mommies milk! The comfort and the warmth that I offer her as she offers me.
I am soo busy with all the kids that this is the one thing she gets undivided attention with and will not take that away from her
She will be a year in January and I for see the nursing to continue past that. Not more then two but she will definetely be my longest nursed as mommy and baby try to find that right time to transfer in to a different kind of bond
To feel the warm of her body close to mine, to watch her nurse with such comfort gives me that comfort. To know she still needs and wants me in that nurturing way is something I am enjoying and regretting the day we must end this bond only for it to be replaced with a different kind of bond.
I have nursed all my babies with same love, ease and adoration. But with Theia it is different, she is still so tiny, needing and my last.
I have many in my life who think she should be weened, and at times I try and just give up and give her back what she wants most. Mommies milk! The comfort and the warmth that I offer her as she offers me.
I am soo busy with all the kids that this is the one thing she gets undivided attention with and will not take that away from her
She will be a year in January and I for see the nursing to continue past that. Not more then two but she will definetely be my longest nursed as mommy and baby try to find that right time to transfer in to a different kind of bond
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
To be so far from the ones you love
Friendships are so hard to begin with; always trying to find the time, the perfect balance that you can never achieve but strive for (like a marriage but so much more)
There are some that you connect with in the early years and a have life times with and others that you find in your later years.
Some are soo precious that you never let go and others you feel the need that if you don't you will always be consumed by. There are friendships that you have that you connect with on a level that no one will understand or have the privilege to understand. You know when they are sad, confused or have something wonderful to share .
I am blessed to have that in my life there are few in my life but few is so much better then none!
Our lives have gone in circles and other times the ups and the downs. I am continuously blessed with and will always be with these friendships.
But how am I supposed to be there with all the changes that have taken place in my life. So far away. I have one whose daughter turns 16 surviving cancer, to miss the celebration of life and courage I can not be. The one day that I do not want to miss I find I am yet again.
Then there is another whose son may have a form of Autism but yet I am too far to offer that hug to the mom that is so desperately needed during such a time. When did life get so far that we could not enjoy the simple miles stones in life or the hugs we so desperately need or the ones we soo want to share.
There are some that you connect with in the early years and a have life times with and others that you find in your later years.
Some are soo precious that you never let go and others you feel the need that if you don't you will always be consumed by. There are friendships that you have that you connect with on a level that no one will understand or have the privilege to understand. You know when they are sad, confused or have something wonderful to share .
I am blessed to have that in my life there are few in my life but few is so much better then none!
Our lives have gone in circles and other times the ups and the downs. I am continuously blessed with and will always be with these friendships.
But how am I supposed to be there with all the changes that have taken place in my life. So far away. I have one whose daughter turns 16 surviving cancer, to miss the celebration of life and courage I can not be. The one day that I do not want to miss I find I am yet again.
Then there is another whose son may have a form of Autism but yet I am too far to offer that hug to the mom that is so desperately needed during such a time. When did life get so far that we could not enjoy the simple miles stones in life or the hugs we so desperately need or the ones we soo want to share.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Can we say insert foot into mouth?
So here we are today, just fed the three munchkins lunch and now two of them are snuggled up and watching one of their favs Scooby Doo. While Theia is crawling around, discovering her world with giggles and smiles!
Today is a good day for me. I got my presciption filled, took my pill immediately, woke up this morning and did the same thing...........ahhhh no dizziness, a breathe I could take with ease. And best of not feeling like I am about to fly off the handle. I am not saying the "pills" "work" that fast, but I am glad to say the dizziness has definitely subsided!!!
I lie in bed at night with thoughts running through my head and have these amazing titles, conversations and feed backs for blogs. I wake up and feel the same way. Then my days get busy and when I finally have the ability or time to sit down and blog it is totally different from the thoughts that flowed through my head earlier. Is this an addiction to blogging or just as they say ADD adult...lol. Or is it just a regular mom having a regular day, with not enough time or space on her hands.
Yesterday was probably the worst day I have had in ages. Yes, it could get worse then other days for me...lol
Ok so the day did not start out right with my kidlets, gosh gotta love them for them to have to put up with me and my mood swings at times. And we all thought terrible 2's were bad!!! Welcome to my head..lol
Then as the day goes on news and frustrations build and I feel like I am a volcano ready to blow. I don't think I would like to be my kids when that happens. All I can envision is them seeing this mom do the 360 head turn off of the exorcist or that zombie twitch with my hands in my hair while walking around aimlessly and freaking the kids out. Life is hard it is even harder for our kids to how to deal with our emotional crap too. But it is our sense of humour or delusions that get us through all that we have to deal with.
I laugh at myself on a daily basis, let it be a look, comment or something I have done. Take this one for instance. We are now residing in Brampton, it has a HUGE population of East Indie people (not a problem for me) but I was BORN Blonde...so hey why not act the part I guess ~ So I am walking in the gas station to buy a pack of smokes, no biggy right....well prices are different here and I like the least expensive but Menthol. So I ask the guy behind the counter, "what brands of Menthol cigarettes do you carry?" he names off about 5 kinds and the last one was called "Vogue". I proceed to scrunch up my face and say "Oh No...those taste like Indian cigarettes!"
Here it comes...the woman from behind the counter replies "no it doesn't"
I look at her (or course she is East Indie) then I look at the guy behind the counter and start to stammer...."Um no, not that Indian, you know our Indian, um Canadian Indian...wait you are Canadian ,,,um I mean um the reserve kind ...what is the name gosh there are so many terms now a days. Um yeah OK Native American cigarettes!!! "
And then for those who know me I do that insane loud laugh....and apologise for all of the chat. The guy behind the counter smiles and says "it is OK" In his East Indie accent and yellow turban.
Can we say duhhhhhhhhhhh and that is my day, everyday in my world. I really do do things like this. John was surprised they did not call the cops. I said is it really that bad, he said yep! GEESH!!!
Today is a good day for me. I got my presciption filled, took my pill immediately, woke up this morning and did the same thing...........ahhhh no dizziness, a breathe I could take with ease. And best of not feeling like I am about to fly off the handle. I am not saying the "pills" "work" that fast, but I am glad to say the dizziness has definitely subsided!!!
I lie in bed at night with thoughts running through my head and have these amazing titles, conversations and feed backs for blogs. I wake up and feel the same way. Then my days get busy and when I finally have the ability or time to sit down and blog it is totally different from the thoughts that flowed through my head earlier. Is this an addiction to blogging or just as they say ADD adult...lol. Or is it just a regular mom having a regular day, with not enough time or space on her hands.
Yesterday was probably the worst day I have had in ages. Yes, it could get worse then other days for me...lol
Ok so the day did not start out right with my kidlets, gosh gotta love them for them to have to put up with me and my mood swings at times. And we all thought terrible 2's were bad!!! Welcome to my head..lol
Then as the day goes on news and frustrations build and I feel like I am a volcano ready to blow. I don't think I would like to be my kids when that happens. All I can envision is them seeing this mom do the 360 head turn off of the exorcist or that zombie twitch with my hands in my hair while walking around aimlessly and freaking the kids out. Life is hard it is even harder for our kids to how to deal with our emotional crap too. But it is our sense of humour or delusions that get us through all that we have to deal with.
I laugh at myself on a daily basis, let it be a look, comment or something I have done. Take this one for instance. We are now residing in Brampton, it has a HUGE population of East Indie people (not a problem for me) but I was BORN Blonde...so hey why not act the part I guess ~ So I am walking in the gas station to buy a pack of smokes, no biggy right....well prices are different here and I like the least expensive but Menthol. So I ask the guy behind the counter, "what brands of Menthol cigarettes do you carry?" he names off about 5 kinds and the last one was called "Vogue". I proceed to scrunch up my face and say "Oh No...those taste like Indian cigarettes!"
Here it comes...the woman from behind the counter replies "no it doesn't"
I look at her (or course she is East Indie) then I look at the guy behind the counter and start to stammer...."Um no, not that Indian, you know our Indian, um Canadian Indian...wait you are Canadian ,,,um I mean um the reserve kind ...what is the name gosh there are so many terms now a days. Um yeah OK Native American cigarettes!!! "
And then for those who know me I do that insane loud laugh....and apologise for all of the chat. The guy behind the counter smiles and says "it is OK" In his East Indie accent and yellow turban.
Can we say duhhhhhhhhhhh and that is my day, everyday in my world. I really do do things like this. John was surprised they did not call the cops. I said is it really that bad, he said yep! GEESH!!!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Depression, OMG What can I say but......
Depression is such a nasty, disgusting word, a sign of weakness, a medical condition cured by pills, light, councelling. It is one that we hide from oor hide with. We are afraid to admit to anyone that we suffer from it.
We keep our medications safely hidden and when it is found out that we are suffering from it the reaction is very wide. Anywhere from "oh hun"...(that one is fine with me) to "are you sure it is depression and not just a quick fix for pills to get through what ever issues you are dealing with the here and now". The best I was ever told was that " you do not need medication I just needed to trust in God and he will fix it." (No offense but this is someone who obviously has no idea what they are talking about when it come to depression and that it is not just a state of mind or the beliefs you hold)
To everyone who believes in that, don't you think God has enough on his or her plate right now to worry about my mental condition.
I have been suffering from it on and off for 16 years now. Postpartum is a huge part of it for me, and past issues that I still have not been able to come to terms with or as one councellor said "flush my mental toilet".
Today as I sit here writing this and know some people will be shocked or disgusted that I am so open to it, but if you don't like it don't read it.
The last three weeks have been absolute worst for me, I am constantly trying to find that happy spot, control the bouts of anger I get on a daily basis (yes, depression is not just wanting to cry) focusing is impossible and I am sooo easily irritated. Why has it been so difficult? Well, I am to blame, we moved in a hurry I had enough of my prescription to last me to Halloween and during that weekend I was supposed to fill my prescription....I forgot! Now I am in this mad rush to have my files and prescription transferred because I am going through severe with drawl.
I cried yesterday over the stupid license bureau because I kept pressing 0 and it would say "ok, agent for you to be transferred to an agent" well after 15 minutes of dealing with this I was ready to break the phone instead I bursted in to tears.
This is a look into some who suffers depression. My kids are the ones that I try the most to keep my emotions in tack with. Because it would take nothing for me to turn into this Freaking out OMG what happened to mommy over something like "I told you to put your shoes on". Sad thing is you can say the most awful thing with being able to control it, it's like your mind and body has been taken over. And unless you have a spouse like mine or people who suffer the same. NO ONE I mean No ONE understands.
Depression does hurt!!! It hurts the ones we love and ourselves. Just think how exhausted you would be, being home 24/7 with your beautiful kids but having no sense of relief or a way out of your own mind or skin.
Today and the past week this is how I have felt.....so I right this in hope that I will feel good, go about cleaning the house, laughing with friends. And for those who are sooo quick to judge, perhaps you should reread it.....or walk away.
thanks I just needed to put this on my Blog today...love ya all even through those rough days.
We keep our medications safely hidden and when it is found out that we are suffering from it the reaction is very wide. Anywhere from "oh hun"...(that one is fine with me) to "are you sure it is depression and not just a quick fix for pills to get through what ever issues you are dealing with the here and now". The best I was ever told was that " you do not need medication I just needed to trust in God and he will fix it." (No offense but this is someone who obviously has no idea what they are talking about when it come to depression and that it is not just a state of mind or the beliefs you hold)
To everyone who believes in that, don't you think God has enough on his or her plate right now to worry about my mental condition.
I have been suffering from it on and off for 16 years now. Postpartum is a huge part of it for me, and past issues that I still have not been able to come to terms with or as one councellor said "flush my mental toilet".
Today as I sit here writing this and know some people will be shocked or disgusted that I am so open to it, but if you don't like it don't read it.
The last three weeks have been absolute worst for me, I am constantly trying to find that happy spot, control the bouts of anger I get on a daily basis (yes, depression is not just wanting to cry) focusing is impossible and I am sooo easily irritated. Why has it been so difficult? Well, I am to blame, we moved in a hurry I had enough of my prescription to last me to Halloween and during that weekend I was supposed to fill my prescription....I forgot! Now I am in this mad rush to have my files and prescription transferred because I am going through severe with drawl.
I cried yesterday over the stupid license bureau because I kept pressing 0 and it would say "ok, agent for you to be transferred to an agent" well after 15 minutes of dealing with this I was ready to break the phone instead I bursted in to tears.
This is a look into some who suffers depression. My kids are the ones that I try the most to keep my emotions in tack with. Because it would take nothing for me to turn into this Freaking out OMG what happened to mommy over something like "I told you to put your shoes on". Sad thing is you can say the most awful thing with being able to control it, it's like your mind and body has been taken over. And unless you have a spouse like mine or people who suffer the same. NO ONE I mean No ONE understands.
Depression does hurt!!! It hurts the ones we love and ourselves. Just think how exhausted you would be, being home 24/7 with your beautiful kids but having no sense of relief or a way out of your own mind or skin.
Today and the past week this is how I have felt.....so I right this in hope that I will feel good, go about cleaning the house, laughing with friends. And for those who are sooo quick to judge, perhaps you should reread it.....or walk away.
thanks I just needed to put this on my Blog today...love ya all even through those rough days.
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